The Lugano Experience

First stop in Disneyland - “Discoveryland.”  For those of you who don’t know, each area in Disneyland is separated thematically and called <something> Land.  In the “real” Disneyland (you know, the original in Anaheim, CA), the land where all of the “future” stuff resides (you know, like space ships and time travel and that sorta thing) is aptly called Tomorrowland.  Now in Disneyland Paris, they have changed the name of this land to “Discoveryland.”

The name change threw me off a little bit.  I even butted in on a conversation between an English lady and her husband.  “Honey, we need to go to Discoveryland.”  Sven: “Oh, you mean Tomorrowland, you are headed in the right direction.”  Woman (looking at map then looking at Sven - shaking head) “Uh, thank you.”

Later I felt like a complete moron.  At the time, however, I felt like polishing my Johnny-do-good badge and hurt my arm patting my own bad self on the back. 

Anyway, confusion aside, Discoveryland is not much like Tomorrowland with the exception of the rides being pretty much the same, and the land being set in the future and it being sort of in the same location of the park and… Hey, wait a minute.  No, no no.  They really aren’t the same.  In DizPareee, they have taken the whole area and given it a Jules Verne kind of feel - complete with a dirigible and the Nautilus sitting half sunk in a pond.  Space Mountain is a space ride, but the propulsion system involves you, a car, and a 100 foot cannon which they stuff you in and then light a fuse… Ok, so high tech meets low tech in a pretty cool way.  If they added some zombie monkeys or amphibious rocket planes I think I might truly have been in Space Opera heaven. 

Now, Tomorrowland pretty much consists of a very long wide slab of concrete because, as we all know very well, the future pretty much means baking in the hot, miserable sun with no shade in a world completely devoid of color.  Anyone whom I have ever spoken with on the matter has agreed that Tomrrowland has been in need of being completely leveled for the last 20 years. 

You hear that Mickey Doodle?  One point to Monsieur Mickey.

Now within Discoveryland, there are a number of rock formation kind of things that look like big chunks of kryptonite or something of the like, and it is here where I first made the observation that Europeans - at least those visiting Disneyland - were made of stronger stuff than us timid, don’t-break-the-rules or swing-on-that-swingset, yes-I-skateboard…on-XBOX,  twinkie-fed Americans…

And what was it that I observed that so disparaged my countrymen?  Why it was here, on these precarious, slippery, not-made-to-be-climbed-upon Disney Kryptonite props, that I watched a mother BOOST her kid up and then clap while he bounced around it like it was a trampoline!  I mean, YEA! The kid was going completely nuts, jumping from one rock to the next, occasionally losing balance only to catch it in the nick of time.  And he was soon joined by another kid who began jostling him for position.   All the while, there was no “Junior you get down from there this instant!”  Not in the least - a little thing like falling from 15 feet onto concrete wasn’t going to keep these parents from letting these boys behave like boys. (Perhaps they thought it would be less luggage for the trip home).

As I watched this display of utter disregard to safety, I thought to myself it will only be a few moments before the Diztapo (you know, little Mickey’s with armbands in charge of order - also known as the “fun police”), came marching out and shouted at the kids that their behavior was FURBOTEN!  But, the kids kept playing, the mother’s kept encouraging and the Diztapo happily stayed backstage.  I guess they were content to haul the kids off when and if they fell and broke their ribs.  At first, I thought this was an anomaly - one case of “alternative parenting.”  But, again and again I saw parents let their kids climb, run, jump and otherwise get themselves in a spot of danger while the parent looked on smiling…  Contrast this to Disneyland Anaheim where the Diztapo scold you for LEANING against a handrail and parents yell at their kids for walking too quickly.

Yes, fellow Americans, we have gone completely soft.  And yes, I have no kids and I have no place at all to criticize someone’s parenting skills.  And yet I do anyway.

Now, as I mentioned, Space Mountain was my first destination, and this is another place where I grudgingly admit Disneyland Paris’ superiority over my beloved Disneyland Anaheim (and even over Florida).  Space Mountain Paris rocks!  What a fun coaster!  First, as previously mentioned, the notion of the coaster is that you are being shot out of a giant cannon (that in itself is a brilliant idea), second, unlike the wimpy American versions, the coaster actually has some Kahoneys to it and sends its riders into loops and corkscrews - providing a lot more thrill than its very tame American cousins. 

I giggled like a maniac through the entire ride.

Three Times. 

In a row.

Damn you, Monsieur Mickey!  Another point for you!!

As I was walking away from Space Mountain to explore other parts of the park, I passed by the “Buzz Light Year” ride which is a reasonably cool ride-meets-video-game jaunt for kids of all ages.  

(Side Note:  A couple of summers ago I went on the ride with my sister, and we were competing (who could shoot the most targets kind of thing).  Little did she know that the joystick in the center panel controlled the movement of the car… So I spent the ride waiting for her to get aim and then spinning the car which would inevitably make her miss her target…  Then I would turn the car so that I had a clear shot while she was staring at a wall with no targets…  Heheh - cheating rocks.) 

Now, this ride packs in the kids, and it is here where I had another significant realization that was to keep me overjoyed throughout the weekend.

No strollers.

Well, not many, anyway.

And no, I am not talking about people out for a walk.  I am talking about the contraption people with children slog their kids around in (why anyone would want to bring their kids to Disneyland is still something I completely do not understand - it is so much fun WITHOUT them…).  If you have been to the Disneyland in America in recent years, then you know what I mean when I say that the stroller gangs have truly taken over.  The traffic-clogs in the park caused by these damnable devices have all but brought foot traffic to a standstill.  People use them to carry purses, and toys, and coats and hats.  Inside you will see Mickey Plush toys, water bottles, lunch, lunch trash, lunch remnants and lunch throw up.  And somewhere buried beneath the debris you may, MAY, find a child. 

And what’s more, somewhere along the line, strollers stopped being for two year olds (again, why the hell would someone bring a two year old to Disneyland?) and the age started to migrate up to three then four then ten.  Last summer I think I saw a woman pushing her husband around (in fairness the poor bastard did seem quite tired).  All of this stroller madness is continued with little or no regard to the traffic congestion, chaos or other mayhem  caused by rolling these ridiculous carts over a park that a two year old not only will never remember, but cannot possibly enjoy.

Uh, Sven?  A little pent up aggression?  Tell us how you really feel… 

But this utter madness does not exist in Disneyland Paris.  Kids are made of stronger stuff here.  No self-respecting kid would be caught dead in a stroller.  I literally saw two parents dragging their two year old along the path - his little feet running along trying to keep up.  The kid was still in diapers, and there was not a stroller in sight.  I supposed that when he got tired, they would either leave him for the Pirates of the Caribbean or ship him off to Small World to start singing with the exhibit - too bad he couldn’t talk yet…  The parents finally slowed down so the poor kid could light his cigarette (that story coming soon)…

And so I spent the remainder of the early morning walking around the park (that of it that was open) enjoying the relative calm before the storm and reflecting on how American kids are being robbed of their opportunity to rough house and learn the importance of real and pertinent laws.  Like gravity. I pondered the thought of age-limiting Disneyland to above 3 years (can’t parents just put their two-year-olds in a kennel?).  And I realize that just by putting that down in print there is a mother in Michigan who is starting a petition to ban Banzor.com from the Intenet… And she doesn’t even read this blog… <sigh>

The mob building up again at the entrance caught my attention as I was walking past Main Street. All the people who did not have “magic hour” access were staring longingly at those of us in the park who were leisurely (and smugly) walking inside the park.  (Smug is something that Americans and Parisians both do quite well, thank you very much).  I looked at them and gave them that same smile I used to give my fellow drivers when I passed them in the carpool lane - in my Prius.  Someone threw a shoe.  Judging by the size of the crowd I knew I had better enjoy the calm while it lasted.  The day was going to be busy, and Monsieur Mickey was ahead 2 to nothing.

I had a lot of exploring to do to try to even the score…