The Lugano Experience

And with an effing vengeance… But first things first…

Did you miss me?  Didja?  I really missed you.  Kissy kisssy kisssy poo.  Myu myu myu…  No, I missed you… No, I missed you more…

Ok, so now that we have gotten that out of the way, on to some cynicism…

Have you ever had a run in with the cable company?  I mean, did they ever just piss you off so bad, that you wanted  to march down there with your cable box in hand swinging that sucker around by the plug like some medieval flail, bludgeoning call center reps here and repair guys there.  Well, neither had I.

That is, of course, until I had the good fortune of meeting up with our good friends at Swiss Cablecom…

I need internet (seems pretty obvious), and I tend to chew up lots of bandwidth (downloading terabytes of furniture porn takes time with a slow connection, after all), so it would stand to reason that getting cable internet was a good bet for me.  After all, cable internet in the U.S. was great to me, never had cause to complain, and being here in Switzerland it must even be better, right?  And, luckily, here in Switzerland the Cable company (Cablecom) is a monopoly so they don’t need to waste resources on advertising or that other competitive nonsense so they can really focus on service. <ahem>

So, on a trip to the local (and EXTREMELY INADEQUATE) version of Fry’s (known as “Media Markt”), I spoke with the Cablecom representative about getting said internet.  For the low cost of about 100 per month, I signed up for basic cable (hey BBC1, BBC2 and BBC3, BABY!) and their super, duper, extra calla fragilistic expealladocious version of internet - a whopping 25,000 DOWNLOAD.  I could practically feel the bandwidth in my loins…

In just 10 days the modem and the cable box would be at my door.

So, 10 days later, I rushed home and looked longingly in my mail box…  No slip from the mail man marking the arrival of my major prize.  I had already received the mail with my login and password.  Already received the cable box.  But, the major prize - what we were all waiting for, that glorious, French, FRAJEELAY Major prize was yet to arrive… I was sure that it would be here on the morrow.

And it was not.

And it was not.

And, after several more “it was nots” I thought it was about time to call my good friends at Cablecom.  I mean, hey, this is Switzerland.  They must be “Johnny-on-the-spots” over there and this must just be one of those freakishly and outrageously never heard of oversights that other countries speak of. 

Well, of course, in calling Cablecom, there are three language options, and English was not one of them, so I dutifully picked Italian (it’s at least close to Spanish) and hoped for the best.  After the obligatory hold time, a lovely lass picked up the phone and began speaking in Italian (which, I should have expected), and then told me to hold (I presume).  Another hold.  A different rep picks up and speaks to me in German.  I ask if he speaks English and he says yes.  I come close to asking why he answered in German if he knew I was speaking English, but decided better of it… When in Rome, as they say…

The fellow was nice, understanding, we chuckled.  “Oh, the modem was returned to us.  We will reship it today and you will get it next week. Is this your address.”

To which I answered yes, and to which I must take a small, but meaningful side rant if you will but grant me the pleasure. 

WTF is up with addresses here?!?  So, I live in an apartment building.  The building is number 26.  My apartment number is… ANYBODY”S GUESS.  Even my landlord, you know, the owner of the apartment, has no idea what number I live in.  If I called the police to tell them that Jocko, the evil Italian butt rapist, was in my apartment prepared to do his worst, the best I could tell them would be building 26.  And by the time they knocked on all the doors and found me, ol’ Jocko would be long gone along with my virginity.  The post man only knows to put my post in my box because I have put my name on it.  Hell, I am really tempted to put my neighbors names on my box - they might get more exciting mail…

Ok, so back to Cablecom.  So, one more week for my modem, my Major Frageeelay, my leg in the window for all the neighbors to see.  One more week.

And, a week later, I was back on the phone with our friends with Cablecom.  Push Italian.  Do you speak English?  Hold for German.  German speaks German.  Convince her to speak English…   ”Oh, I don’t know why you did not receive it, is there a problem with your mail.” 

“No,” I answered in that polite, where-the-fuck-is-my-modem tone.  “I have amazingly received the other mail and packages you have sent me.  So, the mail seems to work, amazingly well for everything except modems and Major Prizes.”

“Sir, we only shipped a modem.  We did not send a major prize.

“Forget the major prize - I just want the modem.”

“Well, this is very strange, well I will reship it, you should get it in about a week.”

Do you see a pattern?  I saw a pattern.  A big, fat, you-are-never-getting-your-effing-modem-so-go-away pattern.  I grumbled acceptance.  I was quickly beginning to think that my major prize was nothing more than a silly lamp shaped like a leg with fishnet stockings.

So, the following week, when I had not received my modem, I decided on a different tact.  Called up Cablecom, pressed Italian, need English, got the German speaking German, switched to English and told the story.  When this German said that she wanted to resend the modem, I stopped her.  

“Can you Fedex this to my office so I will have it tomorrow.”  <Check>

“Absolutely, Mr. Hindman.”  <and MATE>

WHO IS YOUR DADDY NOW, BEEEATCH.  Hah!  Think you can pull one over on the Svenster, the Svengalibob.  No sireee - he pulls out the FedEx to the office trick… Works every time.  Ok, so in all seriousness, the gal was nice and though they screwed up, they were going to fix it.  So, I gave the German gal (I think her name was Inga - well, I like to think her name was Inga) my work address.  Overnight delivery, here I come.  I am already planning which furniture pose I was going to download first, I mean, that hot outdoor action with the lawnchairs is a must-have for any serious collection.

And the following day, when the modem didn’t arrive, I began to contemplate flails.

So, perhaps tact two was as American as tact one.  Maybe I was going about this in an American way and therein lied my problem (me being, you know, in Switzerland).  Maybe, just maybe, Cablecom didn’t like dealing with foreigners - especially us English-only speaking ones.  Perhaps, if I got an EYE-TAL-YUN to give a call, I would get better results.

With all the sweet talk I could muster, I groveled to Cristina (our office assistant) to call up Cablecom.  She was happy to do it, and after 5 holds, 2 supervisors and god knows who else, she finally let them know what was going on.  One of the agents actually told her that they do not have modems and are not shipping them to anyone.  When she finally got to the supervisor he apologized and told her he would call her back.

Which he never did.

The next supervisor (the next day after going through several more hold successions) promised to get the modem to me by Monday on express.  Of course, it never did show up. 

So, at this point, 2 months into the process, I accept defeat.  This castle cannot be stormed and the only flailing that is to be done will be against myself for hopelessly battling for as long as I did.   I tell the call center rep that I want her to cancel my contract (it is a year contract) to which she tells me I must write a letter so that the cancellation can be approved…  O.M.G.  I write the letter.  And then tear it up - nobody deserves to have to read that first letter.  The second letter is adequate - to the point with a few barbs thrown in for good measure.

Two days later, I get a call from my friends at Cablecom.  “I am so sorry for what you have been through.  I really would like to work with you.  I can resend the…”

It was all I could do to keep from laughing manically in her ear.  But instead, I cordially declined and asked for her to send me an address where I can send back the cablebox and confirmation that the contract was cancelled.  “Of course,” was the answer.

That was 2 weeks ago - I have yet to receive the letter.

Epilogue 

The week I wrote the letter to Cablecom, I called the phone company, SwissCom to check about getting ADSL.  They signed me up on the phone (had an English option on their menu, too - I LOVE THEM).  And within 4 days they had sent me the ADSL modem and I am up and running with 20,000 download speeds.  And they are cheaper than Cablecom.

So, as the bard says, All’s well that ends well.

Oh, and I really did miss you.