The Lugano Experience

Somethings seem to be self-evident.  I thought that paying rent was one of those things.  It seems though, that handing my landlord money or a check is not the way that things are done here. 

After living in my place for a month without paying rent (and no, I have not now or ever been evicted - for those who have not figured out my morbid sense of humor yet, well, April fools on you), I figured I had better get down to it…  The landlord is a sweetheart of a lady who seems to be ridiculously rich and doesn’t seem terribly concerned that we are so late on paying, but it makes me genuinely uncomfortable to be late on bills.  Now, in my defense, it was only last week when she actually told us how to pay for rent - which was impossible to do without her instructions.  Certainly a different level of trust over here…

So, here is what one must do.

Step 1 - Go to your ATM and withdraw LOTS of CASH.  Even “lotsier” when you have two months worth of rent due. 

“But Sven, how can you withdraw thousands of dollars from an ATM - isn’t there a withdrawal limit?” 

Well, I am glad you asked.  Yes, like the U.S. there is a withdrawal limit on ATMs.  But, this is Switzerland, baby!  Two hundred?  Three hundred?  Ha!  A mere appertif.  Move that decimal point over…  No, keep going.  There you go.  $10,000 is the limit.  Cash. 

Step 2 - Go to the Post Office.  Yea, the Post Office. 

“Oh my God, Sven, you aren’t going to mail $3000 in cash are you?”

Well, I am glad you asked.  No, of course not.  I am, however, going to give the money to the Postman.  You see, here in the land of banking, they don’t use banks to pay their bills, they use the post office.  Makes sense, right?  I asked the Postman if I needed to go to the bank to mail a postcard.  He didn’t laugh.  He didn’t smile.  He stared blankly at me and bit his lip ever so slightly.  His eye twitched a little and he spoke something very rapidly in Italian which probably translated into “Smart Ass Yankee - that money is now going to a numbered account in Honduras.”

I tell the eye-ticking Postman what account to credit.  We fill out a document, which to my astonishment I am able to help with.   The further we move along the path, the happier I am getting because I am actually doing something in “sort-of” Italian.  The Postman keeps glancing up at my Cheshire grin, and his free hand moves casually under the counter.  It is about this point where I notice the 12 cameras move from their fixed positions to point in on me.  There is a distinct whirring of little motors as the zooms simultaneously move to full.  Somewhere in a small room in a basement three guys are counting pores on my nose and comparing my retina scan with the Interpol database.

My smile has quickly faded, and it has been replaced by an eye-tick to match my good friend the Postman.  So, here the two of us are, ticking and sweating and filling out documents.  I slowly reach into my pocket and (security guard walking my way now- hand on Tazer) pull out two pounds of Swiss money (security guard returning to his post-Tazer whirs down to a low hum) and count it out on the counter.

At around 3000, the cameras whirl around to their fixed position and the Postman and I are joking about the weather.

He gives me a receipt and Voila!  Rent paid.

An interesting side note - there are no bank robbers in Switzerland.  There are Post Office robbers.  The amount of cash that is brought into a Post Office completely eclipses what is in a Bank. 

Step 3 - Revel in your mastery of Swiss Culture and post your small, but significant victory on your blog.

I must say that I felt a little more like I live here after paying my bills (felt a little poorer, too).  Chalk one up for us foreigners.